The Only Man I've Ever Loved: Epilogue

Epilogue

Although I had been hesitant about my love for Matt, God had allowed my heart to reopen. A month later, Matt told me that he loved me as I quickly returned “I’ve been waiting for you to say that. I love you, too.” I could no longer wait to tell him about my trial -- how I had fallen in love with him almost two years earlier and felt led by God to wait for him without telling him. I explained my prayer of him coming to me as a sign that we would forever be bonded in holy matrimony.

Later in June of 2001, I took a two week trip to Colorado as part of my dietetic internship. Matt didn’t want to be away from me for that long, so he arranged a trip to come see me over the middle weekend. I told our love story to a few of the other interns, and they explained how they knew Matt was coming with a ring. I had my suspicions but tried not to let on about the idea to Matt.

He flew into Dallas on Friday afternoon, but since his Nashville flight had been delayed he missed the connecting flight into Denver. We were both disappointed that he wouldn’t be arriving until Saturday. I awoke early that morning to drive the hour from my dorm to the airport. I frantically searched for his gate, but he was nowhere to be found. I walked up and down the row of gates where his flight was supposed to arrive almost in tears. I turned around to race back the other direction, and there he was! He looked as handsome as ever, and I raced into his arms, tears streaming down my face. I was so happy that he was there and was alright.

That evening, we drove into Colorado Springs for dinner. The landscape was breathtaking. Matt had made reservations at a fancy restaurant but it turned out to be crowded and noisy. We ate and talked while I waited not so patiently for “the ring.” Even he looked nervous and seasick. I hoped he wasn’t coming down with something. We finished dinner, but he still hadn’t proposed.

I was becoming anxious. I didn’t want to have my hopes up, but wouldn’t Colorado be the perfect place for a proposal? A waitress at the restaurant took our picture, and then we headed out with our leftovers in tow. We got into the car, and Matt suggested that we find a spot to view the sunset overlooking the Colorado Mountains.

He drove several minutes and wasn’t able to find a typical tourist stop, so he found a gravel work road going behind some of the most beautiful million-dollar mansions we’d ever seen. He parked the car, and we walked down the gravel path until we had an excellent view of the sun fading into the mountains. The sky was a brilliant array of purples and pinks. The mountains were neatly folded into the background like a master artist’s painting would be.

We stood, arms intertwined, underneath the Colorado sky. Matt began to speak softly into my ear about how his friendship for me had grown into love over the past several months. He had loved me for longer than he realized, and he wanted to make a commitment to me. I turned to face him as he fell to one knee, displaying the ring from its hiding spot in his jacket pocket. “Will you marry me?” he proposed.

Instantly, I was bending down to hug him, pulling him up from his knee, and exclaiming “Yes!” I didn’t realize that I hadn’t even seen the ring. I had been too excited to look anywhere else but into his eyes. The ring was a one-carat princess-cut diamond held in place by a slender tiffany band—just how I had imagined! He placed it on my outstretched finger--a little big, but otherwise perfect.

I wouldn’t let Matt take it back with him for resizing because it was a representation of his love for me, and the thoughts the ring imparted would help me bear through the rest of the week without Matt there (I also wanted to parade it around all the other swooning girls in my internship program).

Five months later, our friends and families gathered in the sanctuary of a local Baptist church. I walked down the aisle, my 5-foot jewel-encrusted train flowing behind. Tears gushed down my face even before my father placed my hand into Matt’s. We ascended the steps of the stage, Matt careful not to let me trip as I had instructed him earlier. We had written our own wedding vows, both entailing how our strong bond of friendship had grown into a fully blossomed flower of love. We lit the unity candle as we were serenaded by the song “For the First Time” by Kenny Loggins. The words of the song sum up what was there all along, what God had implanted into both our hearts.

“Are those your eyes, is that your smile
I’ve been lookin’ at you forever
But I never saw you before
Are these your hands holdin’ mine
Now I wonder how I could of been so blind
For the first time I am looking in your eyes
For the first time I’m seein’ who you are
I can’t believe how much I see
When you’re lookin’ back at me
Now I understand why love is.......
Love is.....for the first time.....”

The Only Man I've Ever Loved: Part 8

Getting Off the Roller Coaster

I graduated in December of 2000 and invited both Matt and Joseph to the graduation party at my parents’ home. My family joked as to which one was my boyfriend. “Neither,” I said, totally embarrassed.

After Christmas, Matt and I continued to hang out informally. I even helped him baby-sit his little niece on one occasion. Afterward, his sister Shan and brother-in-law Andy invited us out to dinner to repay our good deed. I was nervous, but thought, “Hey, why should I be? We’re only friends . . . right?”

As I finished my meal, I excused myself to the ladies’ room. Unbeknownst to me, a very straightforward conversation took place between Matt and his sister.

“Are you blind?” Shan asked Matt.

“What are you talking about?” he replied.

“Don’t act you like you don’t know what I’m talking about,” she continued. “A girl does not drive 30 minutes every weekend to see a guy just to be friends!”

I returned to the table, oblivious to the exchange which had taken place. Everyone pretended like the conversation had never happened.

Matt and I continued our weekly “non-dating” pattern. He even chivalrously drove to my work every evening to chauffeur me to my car in the unattended parking garage. He needed to know that I was safe.

I enjoyed our time together but was still frightened at the idea of falling in love with him again. He had given me mixed signals for the last couple of years, and he was still dating other girls.

Valentine’s Day 2001 rolled around, and Matt invited me to “hang out.” He bought my dinner as usual and afterwards, we drove back to his apartment to “informally” exchange gifts. I was actually surprised that he bought me a gift-- a pink Furby--even though I had also chosen some silly little token to give him.

We ended up talking in his bedroom/office. He was renting a 1-bedroom apartment, so his computer was right beside his twin bed. I was sitting in his computer chair while he sat on the bed behind me. We were laughing and talking and suddenly I realized our arms were linked as he rested against the back of the chair. It felt good, safe even, and I wasn’t sure what was running through his head. I casually allowed him to hold me but was still a little hesitant, a little confused.

We sat in silence for a few brief moments as my heart began to race. We had clumsily ended up in each others arms before as we wrestled like siblings, but this embrace was different. Matt lingered; he didn’t pull away as before. Then, he began to speak softly, “I’ve never realized how right this felt – you in my arms,” he said.

I was speechless. I had literally waited years to hear those words. My heart had been broken so many times before. But he wasn’t joking--he was dead serious. He swung me around in the chair to face him. “What do you think . . . about us?”

Again I was without words but managed to fumble out a “Yes, I think this feels right,” too scared to admit to the many nights of dreaming about his embrace. I was still a little cautious. It had been so long ago that I had hope in us being together. I wasn’t sure if I was still in love with him. “But is God really answering my prayers?” I thought.

We decided to go on our first date two days later. Joseph had invited us to see a scary movie at the theater (“Hannibal”, starring Anthony Hopkins), but midway through the film I had to excuse myself. I couldn’t bear to sit through another moment of the film’s disturbing imagery. I told Matt I would wait out in the lobby for them to finish the movie, but he ended up apologizing to Joseph and then following me out. He was too considerate to allow me to feel uncomfortable alone; therefore he drove me back to his apartment.

I was still rattled by the movie, so Matt switched the TV to a cheerleading competition on ESPN, which I knew he loathed. He was doing all of this for me! We talked some as we sat on his make-shift coach, a cheap tri-fold futon. Then he began a playful rendition of Pepe Le Pew from Looney Tunes using his hand as a puppet and speaking in his best French accent. “You ah zo beauteeful. I want to kees you,” he said as he poked and tickled me.

I began to laugh, glancing towards Matt. He had grown quiet and sat gazing into my eyes. He ever so slowly leaned forward, his smooth lips brushing mine. He softly kissed me. Suddenly, a wave of emotion swept over me, and I knew that I was still deeply in love with him, even after the many broken hearts and the hurt feelings, the hopelessness and the despair of watching him date other girls. And Matt was finally returning those long denied feelings.

God had a bigger picture in mind. He had a plan for me and knew I would one day look back on the days and months of desperation I felt as I was called to wait for Matt and see that God alone had given me hope again and again. Every time I had called out to my heavenly Father in agony, He had given me peace. I only had to trust in Him. He had answered all of my prayers—in His timing.

So, you thought the story was over? Find out what happens next in "The Epilogue" coming soon. If you're behind, go to Our Love Story for the previous segments.

The Only Man I've Ever Loved: Part 7

Too Soon to Say Goodbye

News of Matt’s possible job placement in Atlanta (four hours away!) after his graduation in May of 2000 added yet more despair to my already full plate of hopelessness. I was completely downtrodden, and my fears that we would never belong to each other seemed to be quickly becoming reality. I had reluctantly accepted his love of Hippie Girl and even befriended her at his graduation.

“I will never tell Matt that I loved him, and I will even watch him walk down the aisle if I have to in order to keep his friendship,” I confidently told Jennifer. “He will always be highly regarded in my book,” I continued. “But, I’ve decided to move on.” Without any acknowledgement of love for me from Matt, I entered into an ill-advised relationship with someone else.

A few weeks after Matt’s graduation, I learned that he had, in fact, broken up with Hippie Girl and accepted a job locally. I felt relieved since he would still be in my life, but my heart was no longer capable of hoping in a future together with him. It had been a year since I was enlightened with love toward Matt, and never once had he shown any sign of affection toward me. I continued dating and remarkably mine and Matt's friendship deepened as I often confided in him about my turbulent relationship. He would listen to me as I spoke of my travails and missteps I felt I was making. Likewise I would listen intently as he offered his advice on life and love matters. Suffice to say, it wasn’t long before I ended the relationship with the guy I was dating.

In September, Matt’s job required him to travel to Texas for six weeks of training. He called me while there, and although my guarded heart was still apparent, it began to flutter with joy again as we talked. Matt returned home with a renewed determination to find his soul mate and thus decided to begin online dating. I, on the other hand, had chosen to avoid dating altogether for awhile.

We spent every weekend together the last couple months of the year. He took me to dinner and bowling with his brother. We perused the mall as he flirted mercilessly with other girls. I even attended church with him on occasion and felt the ever increasing awareness of fondness between us. Much of our conversations entailed his fun-filled (or fright-filled – depending on the girl) experiences of online dating. He was eager for me to read his Yahoo Personal ad, to enlist my opinion. But, the more I read his profile and what he said he was looking for, the more disillusioned I became. He was describing ME, word for word, and was totally oblivious to the fact.

My deep feelings began to resurface as we shared more and more time together. However, this go round, I was panicked! “Lord, I prayed those prayers so long ago. I felt as though You Yourself had bestowed me with romantic feelings towards Matt. He obviously is NOT interested in me. Please take these feelings away. I cannot go through this rollercoaster ride of emotions again!”

But God had another plan.

Read the earlier segments at Our Love Story. Come back next week for the conclusion!

The Only Man I've Ever Loved: Part 6

Girlfriends

He had a GIRLFRIEND!!! My limp body lay lifeless on the floor, needing to be revived from the shock; at least, that’s what it felt like. I sat in denial barely able to breathe as though someone had stunned me with a swift kick to my gut. “How could he? I’m the one!!!” I screamed to myself.

“Lord, this is not what was supposed to happen. I am so angry and frustrated with You and with Matt.” That night as I lay in bed I pleaded with God to take the painful feelings of rejection away from me. “Why did You even allow me to love him in the first place?" I questioned God.

Around this same time, I had spread my wings of independence and moved to an apartment near campus with my cousin Jennifer. She was a constant ray of hope to me during this agonizing trial. She believed in God’s promise for me even in the moments when I could not believe myself--even after I confided in another friend, Janice, who unwittingly told Matt of my feelings. However, Matt did not take her seriously. This tidbit of information imprisoned me even more with discord as I thought he mocked my every move.

I continued in our friendship as though nothing had changed. Matt and I exercised together. He bought me lunch on several occasions and would become irritated that I wasn’t ever able to finish my meal around him. My constant state of adoration, confusion, and despair caused such an immense anxiety that I felt nauseas in his presence a good portion of the time.

My aversion lessened as Matt’s relationship with “Cleveland Girl” drew to an end around Christmas. To my absolute amazement he began dating another girl almost immediately thereafter--“Hippie Girl” as he called her. She wasn’t the right-minded, upstanding Christian girl Matt typically dated; hence the name “Hippie Girl” with her hippie ways. My hope of us being together continued to dwindle more and more.

A few weeks later Matt offered to take me to dinner and a movie on a platonic “date.” We sat in a fast food restaurant sipping on shakes after eating our sandwiches. Being the man of integrity that he was, he did not want his newfound love interest to think poorly of him for taking out another girl. Therefore, he invited her along to the movies with us. I was in sheer disillusionment as I imagined the course our next two hours together would entail; me accompanying my undisclosed betrothed on a date with another woman!

As we pulled into the parking lot of the movie theater, I saw her standing outside waiting for her prince. I shuffled behind as Matt raced to greet her with a kiss. My heart sank in dismay. “How are you?” I reluctantly inquired of Hippie Girl. “Fine, how are you?” she returned. My programmed answer was instilled in me since early childhood but was absolutely a lie. “I’m good,” I stated with forced intention. I desperately prayed for strength.

I followed them into the theater and tried to deter my eyes as Hippie Girl played pinball while Matt embraced her from behind. I was solidly in third wheel territory. During the show Hippie Girl and I were perfectly aligned on either side of Matt with me on his left and her on his right as Matt gently caressed her hand. Each glimpse of romantic expression between the two was most certainly agonizing and quite unbearable for me.

I bolted from the theater as the film concluded narrowly breathing an audible goodbye to Matt and his beloved. I desperately wanted to avoid the after show of PDA between the two of them. I returned to my apartment in agony. “Just let me cry one tear, and I’ll let him go. I will stop loving him,” my afflicted heart implored God. But, not a tear flowed from my eyes that night. Somehow, beneath all of my despair and angst, God gave me peace.

“Can you see my eyes through midnight tears?
I cannot believe I loved you all these years.
But, you do not know the way I feel.
So, by the moonlight I quietly kneel.
Away from me, take this love,
If it was not sent from my Father above.
Speak to his heart, softly and true
If it’s Your will; he belongs to You."
SF 2000

For those of you still hanging on to the story, the conclusion is drawing near. Wait for part 7 coming next week. If you're a new reader, click here to read the beginning.

The Only Man I've Ever Loved: Part 5

Meeting at Missions

I couldn’t keep my new found prophecy to myself. Good news has to be shared, and share I did. Joseph, my other BSU brother, was one of the first I captivated with my illustrious spiritual experience. I explained that under God’s divine promise, Matt and I would exchange wedding vows. Joseph was all for it and even convinced me that we should take a trip down to visit Matt on his mission trip.

Unwilling to wait any longer and with Joseph’s encouragement, I hunted Matt down. I was able to acquire the number of the BSU he was staying at in Cleveland. It was a main line, so I left a straightforward message asking Matt to call. I anxiously waited, and a week later, he did. He sounded excited to hear from me and even more eager for me to come and visit. We planned a day of site-seeing in Chattanooga, which happened to be the city right outside of Cleveland.

Joseph and I, along with another couple I invited (Jonathan and Greyson), headed south. They had never met Matt before but my love struck enthusiasm had infected them as well as I explained my epiphany of adoration toward him during the lengthy drive to Chattanooga. My hopes were high from the intoxicating love spell as I anticipated Matt’s response to our meeting. I wasn’t going to tell him of my feelings. I would sit back and wait for him to come to me as I knew God had promised he would.

We began with introductions and I, scarcely concealing my nervousness, could barely talk to him as we perused the first site-seeing tour of the day, the Chattanooga Aquarium. My mind was full of frantic inquiries, “Did he have a revelation as well? Was I the one for him?”

Whether consciously or haphazardly on his part, the longer we toured the less interested he seemed in me! He even began patronizing me like an older brother picking on his little sister! “What is going on?,” I asked myself. “He’s hurting my feelings. This isn’t how he treated me before he left for missions.” Our acquaintances even made mention of the callousness of his conduct with me. It took all the effort I had not to break down and cry in front of him.

Before departing, we decided that our last stop of the day would be a locally-themed restaurant. However, my distressed feelings were nearly as hard to shovel down as the food before me. I was so confused and heart-broken; I had thought this would be our magical beginning of togetherness. It wasn’t. And to make matters worse, Matt had hugged everyone goodbye, including Jonathan (a guy he had met once) – everyone except for me. “What kind of message are you sending, Matt?” I wondered.

If I wasn’t depressed enough yet, I was about to become even more dispirited. Matt and I had emailed each other prior to our Cleveland meeting, but for the last few weeks of the summer I didn’t hear from him. Finally, he corresponded, but the email was addressed to "Sis”. I felt a sinking, sick feeling in my gut. “Is this what he still saw me as?” I shuddered at the thought.

Desperate for Matt’s attention, I awaited his return at the BSU on our first day of school. I hadn’t been completely crushed yet and was still enthused about seeing him. He was sitting across from me in the lounge, recounting his trip to some of our mutual friends. And then, he said them, the words I never expected to hear, the words I didn’t want to acknowledge, and the words that were never meant to be uttered by him to me. “I met a girl while I was there, and we’re dating.”

If you've missed previous segments, visit Our Love Story to catch up. Part 6 is coming soon.

The Only Man I've Ever Loved: Part 4

Putting Matters into the Hands of God

My on-again, off-again boyfriend had left for California, and I was in the free and clear. Matt continued to date until the end of the following spring semester. By then he had simmered down on dating because he was preparing for a summer-long mission trip.

We were together quite often those last two weeks of the semester. Matt had even asked me to play tennis with him the day prior to his departure. I was ecstatic. It was hot out, so we only played an hour or so before heading back to his BSU apartment to cool down. Matt turned on the TV for a little Scooby Doo.

I relaxed in their recliner while he sat on the floor below me, my feet dangling next to him. He proceeded to give me one of his famous foot massages. I had seem him bestow these on many a BSU girl, but I had never been a recipient. “What is he doing?,” I thought, my mind going crazy. Was he feeling something, too? He continued to rub my feet as my heart raced faster and faster. Then . . . he calmly exited the room leaving me disconcerted as to what had just transpired.

He had to arrange all of his belongings for his trip because he was going to spend the night at his parents’ house before leaving the next day. I followed him out as he was packing his things into the trunk of his car. I was grasping for anything worthwhile to say, but just managed to bumble out “I hope you have a good trip. I’ll miss you,” as I awkwardly hugged him. I was left in undisclosed angst.

I prayed and I prayed and I prayed over the next month. “Lord, I don’t know how I feel. Please give me peace about my feelings. I care so much about Matt. If we are meant to be, let him be the one to initiate a relationship. And if he does, let us never be apart again because I will not risk losing his friendship. Amen.”

I wanted God to be in control of this relationship if it was ever meant to happen. I had been in a lot of unfruitful relationships. Matt was very important to me because he was my friend first. I felt as though I had a lot at risk.

One very sleepless night, I lay awake in deep thought about how I genuinely felt about Matt. I was anxiously praying, “Lord, give me clarity about my feelings.” Then, as quickly as my desire was uttered a surge of excitement rushed over my body--as though I had been injected with pure adrenaline. Each beat of my heart was like an electric shock of joy and anticipation.

The whole combination of miraculous sensations was overwhelming yet captivating. It was as though I had never felt love before; or at least, never to the degree of becoming totally encapsulated in such an awesome array of emotions. God had undoubtedly implanted my every want and desire for Matt by opening up my soul and allowing me to discover true eros.

I was sincerely and completely, desperately and unbelievably in love with Matt. I had incredible peace knowing that we would one day soon belong to each other. In my mind, he was no longer my brother. He had become the only man I had ever loved, the man God had promised to me… and he had no idea.

Check out Our Love Story for the previous segments. Watch for Part 5 coming next week.

The Only Man I've Ever Loved: Part 3

My Top 10

I eventually forgave Matt for torturing me at the amusement park, and we began hanging out often. One of our favorite places to go was our school’s rec center. He taught me how to use the weights, and we would go several times a week. We ran together; actually, I would walk and he would run swishing my ponytail as he passed me on the track. He taught me how to play racquetball, and luckily he survived. I pelted him a few times in areas I do not care to mention. We went swimming. I splashed around in the water while he tried to dunk me. All just sibling rivalry, or was it? The rec center would be the place where I first noticed those little sparks of love, but that is further along in the story.

It was the fall semester of 1998, two years after Matt and I had first met. Georgia Girl had just ended their 2-year relationship, and Matt was obviously angry and heartbroken. To work his frustrations out and to meet girls as he later concluded, he decided to develop a Relationship Test to be taken via computer. The idea was that a guy or girl would put their better half to the test. The 1st part of the analysis directed each person to identify their own top 10 desired qualities in a mate. Next, the person would see how many of those qualities their love interest possessed. If he/she matched 7 out of 10 qualities, the program would conclude that he/she was well suited for that person. Six or less meant you had better find love and compatibility elsewhere.

Matt encouraged me to take the test and put my current love on trial. I listed my top 10 qualities, but I knew beforehand that my other half did not match my standards. Thus, I secretly chose Matt to compare because I knew he would stand up to my values. He was, after all, the best person I knew. He loved God and placed Him first in his life closely followed by family. Unbeknownst to Matt, the test actually worked toward his advantage. He had aced it by meeting every single one of the traits I had listed. I dared not to tell him! I didn’t want him to think I had feelings for him, feelings that I myself did not know I had. Was this the beginning of love?

As the weeks followed, I found myself thinking more and more about Matt and the feelings I thought I might have toward him. We continued to work out together just like we always had, big Bro’ helping little Sis’. But, this time was different. Never before had I noticed any feelings while my hands laid firmly in his for support as I curled the weights. I was thinking excessively, “Was I really getting nervous around him? No, Shawna. You’re just making things up. He’s my BROTHER!” In actuality, he wasn’t. “But, what do I do if I like him?”

I was going to have to wait. This was definitely not the time. He had just been greatly wounded by the one girl he thought he would be with forever. He had also been dating a lot, and I was not about to be one of the rebounds. What's more, our friendship was too irreplaceable to be tossed aside for flighty feelings that had not yet been grounded.

Click Our Love Story to catch up on previous segments, and part 4 is coming next week.

The Only Man I've Ever Loved: Part 2

Two Days

It literally took two days to move myself out of my apartment, withdraw from UTC, and enroll at my last choice college, a local state school 35 minutes away. Classes started on Wednesday and that night, my friend Joseph dragged me to the Baptist Student Union fellowship. It was their first and only year to do “family” groups where a senior guy and girl became “Dad and Mom” to a few freshmen “children.” The goal was for the seniors to help us adjust to college life.

Joseph and I arrived that night to meet our new brother, Matt, which unbeknownst to me would be my future soul mate. My first impression of him was that he was tall, very tall and quite handsome with his wispy blonde hair and blue eyes. I was nervous, but I managed to fumble through a greeting. I always thought I would marry someone with his characteristics, but this was not love at first sight.

To begin with, he was my “brother,” and boy, did he let me know that. Secondly, he had a serious girlfriend, “Georgia girl” as he called her. She was his “meant to be.” I, too, had just recently become attached, so any fleeting thought of me liking him in that way was immediately cast off. So began our 2 and 1/2 year brother/sister friendship.

As part of our “family” experience, we were encouraged to bond by socializing together. Matt decided that he would take Joseph and I to the local amusement park for their Halloween festivities, which included scary rides and haunted houses. I was a fan of neither, but went along anyway.

The guys wanted to start off with a loop-dee-loop, feet dangling, gut wrenching thrill ride. I refused and began to stomp away. As I fled, I felt two large arms encircling me and lifting me from the pavement. Matt thought he would carry me on the ride. How sweet and gentlemanly-like. Wrong! He and Joseph blocked my escape and forced me onto the ride. I screamed with terror as the ride twisted and looped at G-force speed. Matt thought I would enjoy the ride if he could just help me get over my fears. He was mistaken. I was mad and quite freaked from nearly blacking out on the ride, but I didn’t want to be a party-pooper. So, when they decided to try a haunted house, I said ok.

The first one took less then 5-terrifying-minutes to walk through, and I wasn’t about to go through another one. Then, smooth-talking Matt convinced me the next one wouldn’t be that scary. Anyway, I could hang onto the back of his jacket for support. We started in slowly, my fists clinched tightly to his gray-hooded sweatshirt, which by the way, he was wearing. It was dark and smoky. I could barely see the black-lighted aliens waiting to scare the living daylights out of me. The farther we went, the more tightly I clung to Matt, nearly ripping his jacket off. I screamed and hid as ghouls lurked in and out of every corner. Matt loved my every scream, my every shutter in fear. Apparently, I was what made haunted houses fun.

If you've missed the 1st part of the story, click here to read, and look for part 3 coming soon.

Our Love Story

I've finally decided to write the story of how Beef and I met and how God played a huge role in this process. I'm writing it first because everyone thinks there love story is the best. Secondly, I want my daughter to cherish these memories as I do.

I'm going to try to post a segment of the story once a week until it's finished. Hopefully, this will keep me on the ball writing it. Sometimes, I start things that I never finish, and I don't want this to be one of them.

I'm going to tag the story as "Our Love Story" so that if you are interested in reading it, but miss a part or two, you can catch up. I hope you enjoy this as much as I have.

The Only Man I've Ever Loved: Part 1

My New Beginning

My claim is that the only man I have ever loved is of course, Matt. This is the story of how God brought us together.

First, I do need to begin with a little back story, which begins with where I decided to go to college, the University of Tennessee at Chattanooga. It was a prestigious school; well, as prestigious as you can get in Tennessee. I liked the idea of fleeing the coop, moving out of my parent’s home and embracing the whole college experience, which included living on campus. I chose the largest and most expensive apartments on campus: four-bedroom, one-bath with three brand new roommates.

Dreams of parent free living started fading fast as they took me for my first on-campus visit. It was a beautiful area. It had the classic state school feel and was in the middle of downtown Chattanooga, which meant mounds of one way streets that where quite tricky to maneuver. And, I hated it. Right out. I just wasn’t feeling it. I hated those one-way streets. I hated not knowing how to get anywhere. I hated not knowing anyone. I hated the entire city, but this was it!! I was going to be a UTC alumnus. No discussion. No way was I going to back out and tell my parents I wasn’t ready to leave home. No way was I going to a smaller, closer-to-home, commuter kind of school. I was going to be a true-blue, dorm-living (apartment, that is. No communal restroom for me!), full-fledged college experience kind of gal!

My parents moved me into my apartment on Sunday night just in time for me to start classes the following Monday. I met my roommates, and they seemed ok. They didn’t really talk to me much, but I just knew we would be friends. I went to sleep that night with a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach. What had I gotten myself into!
I woke early, took a shower, and went to my first day’s classes. Every part of me tried to shove those sick feelings down, but I just couldn’t shake them. I finished my classes, went back to my apartment, and tried to call an acquaintance for support. We had graduated together, and she was here, too. She gave no answer to any of my several attempts. My roommates where locked up tight in their rooms, so I just couldn’t talk to them. I ended up walking the entire campus, trying to “out-walk” those feelings. I headed over to the Baptist Student Union. I thought to myself, “God, I don’t know if I’m supposed to be here, but I’m going to try my hardest to fit in."

“Don’t knock it, ‘til you try it,” kept ringing in my head. It was the advice an old boyfriend gave me before I left. Walking into new places and talking to new people was a huge phobia of mine, but I was going to this. I was going to stay here. I introduced myself. I chatted a little, but I couldn’t bring myself to tell them about the turmoil going on inside my head. I walked out feeling worse than before. I ended up back at my apartment and decided to call home. I couldn’t get an answer from my parents or my sister, only my brother-in-law, and we weren’t really close. He tried to be understanding, but it just didn’t help. “I’m coming home,” I said. Tell mama and daddy, I’m on my way.”

What would have happened if I had gotten in touch with anyone besides my brother-in-law? They might have tried to talk me into staying, and my life might have been different. All I knew was that I wasn’t supposed to be there. The hour and fifteen minute drive home only took me fifty minutes. I was never going back. A huge burden was lifted off me as I prayed, "God, I'm going to listen to You from now on." God had different plans for me. My life was about to change. I would meet my future husband two days later.