Wednesday, February 28, 2007

The Only Man I've Ever Loved: Part 4

Putting Matters into the Hands of God

My on-again, off-again boyfriend had left for California, and I was in the free and clear. Matt continued to date until the end of the following spring semester. By then he had simmered down on dating because he was preparing for a summer-long mission trip.

We were together quite often those last two weeks of the semester. Matt had even asked me to play tennis with him the day prior to his departure. I was ecstatic. It was hot out, so we only played an hour or so before heading back to his BSU apartment to cool down. Matt turned on the TV for a little Scooby Doo.

I relaxed in their recliner while he sat on the floor below me, my feet dangling next to him. He proceeded to give me one of his famous foot massages. I had seem him bestow these on many a BSU girl, but I had never been a recipient. “What is he doing?,” I thought, my mind going crazy. Was he feeling something, too? He continued to rub my feet as my heart raced faster and faster. Then . . . he calmly exited the room leaving me disconcerted as to what had just transpired.

He had to arrange all of his belongings for his trip because he was going to spend the night at his parents’ house before leaving the next day. I followed him out as he was packing his things into the trunk of his car. I was grasping for anything worthwhile to say, but just managed to bumble out “I hope you have a good trip. I’ll miss you,” as I awkwardly hugged him. I was left in undisclosed angst.

I prayed and I prayed and I prayed over the next month. “Lord, I don’t know how I feel. Please give me peace about my feelings. I care so much about Matt. If we are meant to be, let him be the one to initiate a relationship. And if he does, let us never be apart again because I will not risk losing his friendship. Amen.”

I wanted God to be in control of this relationship if it was ever meant to happen. I had been in a lot of unfruitful relationships. Matt was very important to me because he was my friend first. I felt as though I had a lot at risk.

One very sleepless night, I lay awake in deep thought about how I genuinely felt about Matt. I was anxiously praying, “Lord, give me clarity about my feelings.” Then, as quickly as my desire was uttered a surge of excitement rushed over my body--as though I had been injected with pure adrenaline. Each beat of my heart was like an electric shock of joy and anticipation.

The whole combination of miraculous sensations was overwhelming yet captivating. It was as though I had never felt love before; or at least, never to the degree of becoming totally encapsulated in such an awesome array of emotions. God had undoubtedly implanted my every want and desire for Matt by opening up my soul and allowing me to discover true eros.

I was sincerely and completely, desperately and unbelievably in love with Matt. I had incredible peace knowing that we would one day soon belong to each other. In my mind, he was no longer my brother. He had become the only man I had ever loved, the man God had promised to me… and he had no idea.

Check out Our Love Story for the previous segments. Watch for Part 5 coming next week.


Anonymous said... wonderful! I absolutely love reading your story. I think it is so great how you share this wonderful part of you and your life. :)

Vader's Mom said...

How sweet!