Thursday, March 22, 2007

Bearing My Soul

I'm on a mission--a mission to bear my soul. I've been so locked up inside myself for years, and God has slowly pried open my heart and shown me that I have to share. The sturggles and trials I've been through, like depression, have all been for one common reason - for me to come out of my shell.

God has been peeling the layers back for several years. I've had to share some really deep, dark secrets with a lot of people. Secrets, to some, may not be so dark or so deep but for me, they are pieces of my soul, my essence. Pieces, that if are rejected by others, may cause me anguish because the rule that I've lived by for years is if I'm not totally accepted by everyone, then I'm a failure. I'm not worth the ground others walk on.

Lies. They are lies that I've believed for years. I wish I were to the point that I could say, "Say what you want about me. I don't care." But, I'm not there yet. This will be a lifelong battle. But, with God's help, I'll be set free.

I've learned over the past few years that I need "real" relationships, not ones that are grounded in "small talk." I need to have friends, confidants that are willing to give of themselves and let me into their lives as I let them into mine. I've been too afraid for too long to let others in. I've been hurt deeply on more than one occassion for sharing my desires, my dreams, and my sins. I need to walk into a room and be greeted by, "What's really going on in your life?" rather than "How are you?" with a response of "Fine" expected. Don't get me wrong, I've played the small talk game over and over and over again. I'm just ready for something more.

I need to make connections with people, but some days I'm more willing than others to trust. Hopefully, today will be a trusting day. Hopefully tomorrow will to. But just in case, I'll write it down to be sure that I remember I need you, the real you in my life.


Vader's Mom said...

Man I wish I lived closer to you!

I'm terrible at talking on the phone, but if you need know how to find me

Carrie! :o) said...

What a heartfelt post. One that I can totally relate to. Somedays I feel like the only *real* friend out there is my husband. I hope you are able to find that trust you so rightfully deserve. I can tell from your posts that you really are a beautiful person!! (((HUGS)))

Revka said...

You sound like me. I, too, hesitate to reveal myself for fear of how others will react. Even with my husband, I sometimes hold back my real thoughts and feelings because I am afraid of being rejected. It's really hard to be a people-pleaser, and I have to fight that inclination often.

Sonya said...

I can relate all too well with what you are saying. Just a few days ago, I finally told a friend what I really thought about things. I'll explain more to you later. I know it's hard. You can't please everyone and I have finally come to that conclusion after many, many years. I can't tell you that you will never be hurt by someone again but I can tell you that it is God we need to please first, then our husbands. If we are doing those two things, everything else will fall into place!

Laura said...

I'm right with you. In fact I have ZERO friends that I can confide in, aside from my husband. It's dark and lonely.