What do you feel most guilty about?
I am addicted to guilt. It has been known to control my life and squash my joy. Even as a child my mom told me that I wallowed in guilt. I am so obsessed about other's views of me that I literally ooze guilt. I worry about "small talk" with friends--that I may have said something to offend them even though they made no mention of it. I worry over the fact that I may not have responded to someone else's story in the way they wanted or needed me to. Then, I end up feeling guilty and roll around in self-pity for awhile. I have been guilted into submission, into doing things I really didn't want to do, and into serving God on many occassion. Then, I feel guilty on top of that for giving in or having a "bad attitude."
God is having to work overtime on me with this. I hope that I can say I'm not as bad as I used to be, but I still, on occassion, lay awake at night feeling the weight of guilt pressing down on me so tightly that I crumble--all because I couldn't be perfect for someone else!
But, the one thing that makes me feel guilty above all else (and I've done some pretty low things like using others to my benefit and the thoughts I have even dared to consider!) is not being a good mother. There have been times when I've yelled and ranted for little reason, times when I've punished out of anger instead of love, and times when I've been neglectfull and selfish. I hope and pray that God keeps me in check so that I will be the mother he has intended my daughter to have and that I allow him to release me from my prison of guilt.
Jesus has already taken my shame and guilt as it says in Hebrews 12:1-2, "Therefore we also, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us lay aside every weight, and the sin which so easily ensnares us, and let us run with endurnace the race that is set before us, looking unto Jesus, the author and finisher of our faith, who for the joy that was set before Him endured the cross, despising the shame, and has sat down at the right hand of the throne of God."
He calls me to give my guilt and shame to him because, "There is therefore now no condemnation to those who are in Christ, who do not walk according to the flesh, but according to the Spirit." Romans 8:1.
So, why do I continue to carry the weight of guilt?
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1 comment:
Dear Scamp's mom,
Thank you for your comment on my blog and I'm so glad it prompted me to come here and read this post. Guilt as a mother is so natural. Trust me--my two children and six grandchildren love me dearly but as a young mother I made so many mistakes. I was barely beyond childhood myself when I had my son (I was 19). I was self centred, immature and quick to anger. But I loved my children and found that love covers a multitude of transgressions. It doesn't excuse them, but children are so forgiving, especially if we are humble enough to say we made a mistake.
Please don't lose the magic of this moment in your life by feeling badly about who you are. I can tell you are a precious person with such a sensitive soul. Sensitivity is a gift. Don't let the enemy rob you of the joy of that gift.
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