The Only Man I've Ever Loved: Part 7

Too Soon to Say Goodbye

News of Matt’s possible job placement in Atlanta (four hours away!) after his graduation in May of 2000 added yet more despair to my already full plate of hopelessness. I was completely downtrodden, and my fears that we would never belong to each other seemed to be quickly becoming reality. I had reluctantly accepted his love of Hippie Girl and even befriended her at his graduation.

“I will never tell Matt that I loved him, and I will even watch him walk down the aisle if I have to in order to keep his friendship,” I confidently told Jennifer. “He will always be highly regarded in my book,” I continued. “But, I’ve decided to move on.” Without any acknowledgement of love for me from Matt, I entered into an ill-advised relationship with someone else.

A few weeks after Matt’s graduation, I learned that he had, in fact, broken up with Hippie Girl and accepted a job locally. I felt relieved since he would still be in my life, but my heart was no longer capable of hoping in a future together with him. It had been a year since I was enlightened with love toward Matt, and never once had he shown any sign of affection toward me. I continued dating and remarkably mine and Matt's friendship deepened as I often confided in him about my turbulent relationship. He would listen to me as I spoke of my travails and missteps I felt I was making. Likewise I would listen intently as he offered his advice on life and love matters. Suffice to say, it wasn’t long before I ended the relationship with the guy I was dating.

In September, Matt’s job required him to travel to Texas for six weeks of training. He called me while there, and although my guarded heart was still apparent, it began to flutter with joy again as we talked. Matt returned home with a renewed determination to find his soul mate and thus decided to begin online dating. I, on the other hand, had chosen to avoid dating altogether for awhile.

We spent every weekend together the last couple months of the year. He took me to dinner and bowling with his brother. We perused the mall as he flirted mercilessly with other girls. I even attended church with him on occasion and felt the ever increasing awareness of fondness between us. Much of our conversations entailed his fun-filled (or fright-filled – depending on the girl) experiences of online dating. He was eager for me to read his Yahoo Personal ad, to enlist my opinion. But, the more I read his profile and what he said he was looking for, the more disillusioned I became. He was describing ME, word for word, and was totally oblivious to the fact.

My deep feelings began to resurface as we shared more and more time together. However, this go round, I was panicked! “Lord, I prayed those prayers so long ago. I felt as though You Yourself had bestowed me with romantic feelings towards Matt. He obviously is NOT interested in me. Please take these feelings away. I cannot go through this rollercoaster ride of emotions again!”

But God had another plan.

Read the earlier segments at Our Love Story. Come back next week for the conclusion!