Wednesday, March 14, 2007

The Only Man I've Ever Loved: Part 6


He had a GIRLFRIEND!!! My limp body lay lifeless on the floor, needing to be revived from the shock; at least, that’s what it felt like. I sat in denial barely able to breathe as though someone had stunned me with a swift kick to my gut. “How could he? I’m the one!!!” I screamed to myself.

“Lord, this is not what was supposed to happen. I am so angry and frustrated with You and with Matt.” That night as I lay in bed I pleaded with God to take the painful feelings of rejection away from me. “Why did You even allow me to love him in the first place?" I questioned God.

Around this same time, I had spread my wings of independence and moved to an apartment near campus with my cousin Jennifer. She was a constant ray of hope to me during this agonizing trial. She believed in God’s promise for me even in the moments when I could not believe myself--even after I confided in another friend, Janice, who unwittingly told Matt of my feelings. However, Matt did not take her seriously. This tidbit of information imprisoned me even more with discord as I thought he mocked my every move.

I continued in our friendship as though nothing had changed. Matt and I exercised together. He bought me lunch on several occasions and would become irritated that I wasn’t ever able to finish my meal around him. My constant state of adoration, confusion, and despair caused such an immense anxiety that I felt nauseas in his presence a good portion of the time.

My aversion lessened as Matt’s relationship with “Cleveland Girl” drew to an end around Christmas. To my absolute amazement he began dating another girl almost immediately thereafter--“Hippie Girl” as he called her. She wasn’t the right-minded, upstanding Christian girl Matt typically dated; hence the name “Hippie Girl” with her hippie ways. My hope of us being together continued to dwindle more and more.

A few weeks later Matt offered to take me to dinner and a movie on a platonic “date.” We sat in a fast food restaurant sipping on shakes after eating our sandwiches. Being the man of integrity that he was, he did not want his newfound love interest to think poorly of him for taking out another girl. Therefore, he invited her along to the movies with us. I was in sheer disillusionment as I imagined the course our next two hours together would entail; me accompanying my undisclosed betrothed on a date with another woman!

As we pulled into the parking lot of the movie theater, I saw her standing outside waiting for her prince. I shuffled behind as Matt raced to greet her with a kiss. My heart sank in dismay. “How are you?” I reluctantly inquired of Hippie Girl. “Fine, how are you?” she returned. My programmed answer was instilled in me since early childhood but was absolutely a lie. “I’m good,” I stated with forced intention. I desperately prayed for strength.

I followed them into the theater and tried to deter my eyes as Hippie Girl played pinball while Matt embraced her from behind. I was solidly in third wheel territory. During the show Hippie Girl and I were perfectly aligned on either side of Matt with me on his left and her on his right as Matt gently caressed her hand. Each glimpse of romantic expression between the two was most certainly agonizing and quite unbearable for me.

I bolted from the theater as the film concluded narrowly breathing an audible goodbye to Matt and his beloved. I desperately wanted to avoid the after show of PDA between the two of them. I returned to my apartment in agony. “Just let me cry one tear, and I’ll let him go. I will stop loving him,” my afflicted heart implored God. But, not a tear flowed from my eyes that night. Somehow, beneath all of my despair and angst, God gave me peace.

“Can you see my eyes through midnight tears?
I cannot believe I loved you all these years.
But, you do not know the way I feel.
So, by the moonlight I quietly kneel.
Away from me, take this love,
If it was not sent from my Father above.
Speak to his heart, softly and true
If it’s Your will; he belongs to You."
SF 2000

For those of you still hanging on to the story, the conclusion is drawing near. Wait for part 7 coming next week. If you're a new reader, click here to read the beginning.


Vader's Mom said...

Well, I can tell you that Janice wasn't the only one whispering in Matt's ear! I didn't even know you then (just seen you around the little I was at the BSU) and I was rooting for you!

Anonymous said...

Whew...I can not believe you endured all of this! I hope he truly appreciates you! I am waiting with bated breath for the conclusion!

Sonya said...

(Sigh)....I can hardly bare to hear anymore! I need to go put on some happy music and prepare for part 7!